


And still you are magnificent

by ma_r



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-20 07:28:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10657782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ma_r/pseuds/ma_r
Summary: Merlin was not stupid, he knew it was over, that the best 5 year relationship that had ever existed was finished.





	And still you are magnificent

**Author's Note:**

> Title from: [Not Over You by Gavin Degraw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBdarl_Bzbw)
> 
>  
> 
> A [Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/12182396819/playlist/1DwFxFUpIZz4n3K8d0vfXY) of some of the songs I had on the background as I wrote.

It had started wonderfully, they meet at the grocery store and they just _clicked_ , they both loved watching bad movies, they loved fast sad songs, they both worked to make the world better, Arthur as a teacher, Merlin as a lawyer. The sex was explosive, the smiles lighting. They had fallen in love during winter and they drank card box wine. They talked, they laughed and they _loved._

But Merlin... Merlin always saw the glass half empty. He constantly thought it would be over, that this fight, this argument was the end,  that he didn’t deserve something as good as Arthur, that something, somewhere may eventually go wrong. So he unconsciously started to protect himself.  The dates got canceled. The time he spent in his office increased, he didn’t kiss his Arthur goodbye. He slowly but surely stopped saying I love you. The smiles were no longer lightning but thunder, the sex became an obligation, a way to relieve tension. They just didn’t _click_ anymore. What made them _them_ disappeared as the months progressed but they were happy to ignore the cracks in their relationship.

It was their friends that noticed them first. They noticed how Merlin and Arthur didn’t sync anymore when they talked, they noticed how the small twinkle in their eyes when they looked at each other disappeared. They noticed the way they ignored their problems. They noticed how they didn’t spend any time together. They noticed that it was over.

Then it was Arthur that became aware of the cracks, he saw how Merlin avoided his touch, how Merlin spent their time together on the phone. How movie night turned boring without the witty banter that had become customary. How the fast sad songs suddenly were more relatable than the slow love songs. He noticed how Merlin didn’t arrive for dinner, how he missed him even when they where together, and then... then well... Merlin forgot their anniversary and didn't even apologize. 

And then it was Arthur's turn to withdraw. There were no more hugs, no more important discussions, no more surprise gifts, no more improvised dates, no more wine, somehow they started falling asleep without wishing good dreams to the other. Still, the cracks went ignored, but that was not the case for long.

It was Gwen the one who pointed out that the relationship was nearly over and she did so with one simple statement:  _'You don’t fight anymore, Merlin.'_ And that was one of the main problems.

Merlin and Arthur had always based their relationship in communication, from the first moment they laid eyes in each other, they were talking, and since both of them were stubborn as a mule and both extremely opinionated, they always fought when they didn’t agree and then they talked until they compromised. They talked and shouted until both were hoarse and then they had sex and got even more so. But somewhere, somehow along the road, they had stopped communicating. They were over. And this time it was impossible to ignore the cracks. 

Arthur was the one who brought it up, he had always been braver, always doing what had to be done.  They had sat together for dinner, something that, Merlin noticed, they hadn’t done for a while. Merlin placed the dinner for them, like always. Arthur poured the wine, like always. And then Arthur just said it, straight to the point, almost no hesitation:  'We need to talk.'

And it was ironic really, that they broke up just as easy as they started. Both decided to move out of the perfect apartment that took them months to find. Merlin took the T.V and Arthur the bookshelves. They sold everything else and split the money. And they still didn’t fight, they didn’t shout, they were just _so_ polite to each other and that was the thing that hurt the most... they had never been polite.

“Friends?” Arthur asked before he left, he told Merlin he would be staying with his sister until he found something more permanent. 

“Friends.” Merlin answered, and _smiled_. Then, and only when he heard the door closing and his heart breaking, did he start to cry, and he couldn't seem to stop.

It took a bizarre combination of Gwen’s persuasion, Will’s assholeness, and Percival’s kindness for him to get out of the depressed slump he had gotten into. He started eating again, and started talking to his friends, Gaius even convinced him to see a psychologist and it was going well, he felt like he was getting better except for the fact that no matter what he did he couldn’t sleep.

The psychologist said it was because he had anxiety and was depressed, Will said that he was being a baby, Gwen thought it was normal since she suffered from insomnia. It was Percy, Merlin thought, that had the reason closest to the truth “You are not used to sleeping in a bed alone, Merlin.”

But it was so much more than just that, he missed Arthur. He missed him so much. He missed his hugs and his cuddles, he missed how he always took the covers, he missed how Arthur’s feet were always cold, the way he talked in his sleep, the comfort of knowing he was close, but most of all he missed how Arthur smelled, a rich combination of his cologne and natural smell. 

Merlin found them when he was unpacking into his new apartment: Arthur’s hoodies. Somehow he had them. And they smelled like Arthur.

He would swear up and down that he was going to text Arthur to return them but he kept postponing it. Merlin couldn’t see him, not yet, it was still too painful, the wound to open, still to raw.  

It was over a week of not sleeping well, of constant nightmares, before he caved. He wore one of the hoodies to bed and slept for the entire night for the first time in five months.

He told his psychologist, of course, and he said he had to look for alternatives, that he wouldn’t move on if he did that, and when the smell disappeared, what would he do? Merlin knew it was the truth, so he got sleeping pills, and they worked, they did, he could sleep but somehow he didn’t rest and feeling like an idiot he continued to wear the hoodies.

“You need to move on, it's been almost a year.”  Gwen said, and she was right of course, but how could Merlin do that? He unconsciously still cooked for two, he placed the table for two, he bought coffee for two, he did everything thinking there was someone else to do things for. 

“You need to have sex.” Will said. He was right of course. He tried, but somehow when we woke up the next morning he noticed that the guys he slept with all had three things in common: blond hair, blue eyes, big tights, and it was painful, terribly so, when for a moment, when he was caught in the purgatory between dreams and consciousness, the body in his arms was confused for another. 

“Take your time.” Percy said. He was right of course. And Merlin was grateful. But it had been almost a year and Arthur... Arthur had already moved on. He posted various pictures on Instagram with a beautiful man with the name of Lancelot du Lac. The first time Arthur posted a picture of them, clearly in bed, clearly happy. Merlin- a respected lawyer- had to go the bathroom so his coworkers couldn't see him cry.

Gwaine, a friend of Arthur's more than his, called him then.

“How are you?” He asked, and Merlin told him how he still couldn't sleep if he wasn’t surrounded by Arthur’s smell. That he still brought Arthur's favorite toothpaste and his favorite tea. That he was not eating because nothing ever could taste as good as the food Arthur cooked. That he felt like a marionette moving because society told him to, that he was tired of pretending to be happy, that he missed Arthur so much it was that it had become a constant ache in his heart.

“I’m sorry, mate.” Gwaine said, and then invited the first six rounds. “He was as miserable as you.” Gwaine confided. “He couldn't cook, he barely slept and started drinking again. He told me that his students had stopped talking to him outside class because he was being an asshole to them. Once, I took him home after he passed out on the bar, when he woke up, he didn't realize I was with him and he opened this box and kept staring at it. Later I realized it was a photo of you and those letters you wrote to him when he was abroad.”

“Then he meet Lancelot, right?” Merlin asked, because apparently, he was a masochist.

“No, then he slept around, all of them blue-eyed twinks, then he fought with Morgana and moved out. And then he meted Lancelot. I won’t lie to you Merlin, Lancelot is good for him, and they could be happy together.” Merlin nodded, took another swing of his drink and tried not to cry, looking at Merlin with pity, Gwaine said. "You deserve to be happy too.” And then there was nothing Merlin could do to stop crying even if he wanted to. 

He and Gwaine started hanging out, talking, going for drinks, they became close friends and Merlin felt a little like his old self again.

It was a year and a half after the breakup when they saw each other again for the first time.

It was at the grocery shop where they had met. It was the closest place to Merlin’s apartment that sold vegan chocolate cake. Merlin had tried to avoid going there, the memories too painful and just like the first time, they crashed into each other in the wine aisle.

“Sorry, are you okay?” Merlin asked his eyes to the floor. 

“Merlin?” Arthur asked, and Jesus Christ, his _voice_. His voice was velvety and rich and so so beautiful. Merlin hadn’t remembered the way it made his name sound like something precious.

“Arthur” Merlin _smiled._ “How are you?” He kept _smiling_.

“Good, good. Are you here for wine?”

“Chocolate cake, but what goes better than wine and cake?”

“Milk and cake, Merlin, everyone knows that.” He was also _smiling_.

_Fake, fake, fake._

“In what world?” Merlin rolled his eyes.

“Why, Merlin, in Arthurland, is there any other place?” Merlin's _smile_ wavered. It was mean, to bring back a place that Merlin had created for him, an inside joke that was born when Arthur had said something so ridiculous and strange that Merlin's reaction was to invent a place where such things could be possible. Arthurland was _theirs,_  a place so full of memories that it shouldn't be brought up.

“Yes, you have always lived in your own head.” He _smiled_ again and shifted the shopping basket. Arthur’s fake smile dropped.

“I thought I lost them.” Arthur said. His voice low, his eyebrows twitching.

“Huh?”

“The hoodies." he pointed to Merlin's chest. "I thought I lost them when I moved.”

Realization dawned on Merlin- He was wearing Arthur's favorite red hoodie. Merlin went pale, the embarrassment almost burning his skin

“I-I have to go.” Merlin turned and ran, dropping his basket in his haste and without stopping once, without turning back to glance at Arthur, he arrived at his house.

Arthur arrived half an hour later, saying how Gwaine (that little snitch) told him the address. Merlin was fighting hard so he wouldn't cry. When he opened the door he had thought it was the pizza he ordered. 

“Why did you run?” Arthur asked, furious, and then without waiting for an answer, he asked more questions. “Why do you have it? Why are you wearing it?”

“I thought you were my pizza.” was Merlin's response. 

“Merlin.” Arthur entered the apartment, glanced around. His eyes stopping by the old blanket Hunith had weaved for them. “Why?”

“I can’t sleep.” He blurted out.

“That is not an explanation” 

“It is. I can’t sleep. The pills leave me tired, the remedies Gaius gave me give me nightmares... the hoodies help.” 

“Why?” He asked again, coming closer. The doorbell rang. Merlin paid for the pizza, took out two plates and two glasses, like always. Arthur poured the wine, like always.

Arthur opened the pizza box saw its content and looked up to Merlin.

“You don’t like Hawaiian.” Arthur noted.

“I know”

They ate in silence.

“Why does the hoodie help?”

“It still smells like you.” Merlin said, his voice small. It was the last one that still smelled like him.

Arthur's breath hitched, and then asked: “Why did you order the pizza like this? Half pepperoni, half Hawaiian?”

“I always do.”

“You don’t like Hawaiian, tell me why.” Always a command, never a request. 

Merlin stood and turned his back to Arthur. “Don’t”

“I want to know Merlin” Arthur stood too, and touched Merlin's elbow.

“No.” Merlin flinched away from the touch. Oh, how he missed him. 

“Merlin.” Arthur said, his voice had gone soft, and had lost the edge of command. 

“No.”  Merlin couldn't say it, could not speak about it, if he did, he would be baring his insides, and nothing of himself would remain. Everything he was, everything he used to be, would transform and he would be nothing more than the void Arthur's absence had turned him into. 

“Please.” And fuck everything, Merlin had never been able to deny Arthur whenever he asked for something. So like a dam breaking, he answered, his insides spilling. 

“Because I’m pathetic. I can’t sleep unless I have some sense of you surrounding me. Because since I moved out your hoodies are the only thing that still seems like home. Because I am an idiot that still sets the table for two, always. Because even though I think pineapple on pizza is blasphemy, the way it smells and tastes reminds me of you so much. Because I cry myself into a headache every time I see a picture of you and Lancelot. Because I only smile when someone expects me too and only eat when I have too. Because food doesn't taste like anything anymore. Because when I have sex with someone they always, _always_ look like you." His voice broke and started to waver. "Because I really, really want to hate Lancelot but I can't because he makes you happy and I just want you to be happy, because that is everything I have ever wanted for you. Because I still fucking love you and it hurts Arthur, it hurts so much."

"Merlin" He had lost the fight and was crying. Arthur was just staring at him. His voice wasn't louder than a whisper. "I'm not happy" Merlin heard his heart break again. "I don't love Lance, I never did. We broke up more than a month ago." He swallowed, the sound it made reaching his ears. "I have nightmares about you marrying someone and me being too late to stop it. Worse, of me trying and you saying no. I have all the letters you gave me and I can't read them, seeing your handwriting is like adding salt to an injury. Every fucking time I see a tall skinny black-haired guy my heart skips a beat because I always think is you." Arthur, started crying. "My students still ask about you and it breaks my fucking heart every-time, I have to take a moment not to start crying. Every love song reminds me that I had you and every sad song reminds me that I lost you. I started smoking again and I tried to drink to forget you but dammit all Merlin I can't. Because I'm still so in love with you."  
  
Merlin sobbed. Arthur hugged him.

_Oh, so this, this is what he was missing. This was home._

"I miss you so much." Merlin said and hugged him tighter.

"I miss you too.” they continued to hug and then sat in the kitchen floor where they held hands for as long as they could. 

And they talked for hours and hours, they caught up with their lives, they saw what the other had become without _them_. And it was good and it was everything they needed.  
  
They slept finally both of them. No nightmares. No waking up in the middle of the night.  
  
They didn't _click_ this time. This time they _eased_ into each other, there were long walks and slow talks, little kisses and big hugs. They discovered each other again, they relearned each other's bodies.  
  
They fell in love again and again and again. They fought. They talked. They compromised. They _loved_.

Months and months passed and they were good.

Gwen smiled when she saw them. Will gaged when they kissed. Percy hugged them when they fought. Gwaine invited the first six rounds.

It was not perfect, it was not always fine. But they fought for _them._  And their souls finally, as the universe had always intended, became one.

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by 3 different prompts, all about the same theme: Break up.  
> [Here is the link to the prompts](http://thedreamvevowritingprompts.tumblr.com/post/132518177311/post-breakup-aus)
> 
> Also yes I took a lot of liberty with the prompts I know.
> 
> Find me on [Tumblr](http://exolovek.tumblr.com/) or check out my [Merlin Fic's Rec Blog](https://howshitgoes.tumblr.com)
> 
> As always, your feedback is important and encouraged.


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